


I Will Bloom For You

by vixenfobia



Category: ENHYPEN (Band)
Genre: Hanahaki Disease, M/M, Mentions of Blood, One-Sided Attraction, One-Sided Love, Pining, Sickness, Unrequited Love, hint of sunsun, implied jayki, kind of open ended, kind of slice of life, school au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-27
Updated: 2020-11-27
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:20:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,880
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27739069
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vixenfobia/pseuds/vixenfobia
Summary: Sunoo doesn't know when exactly he started noticing every single little thing about his childhood best friend, Ni-ki. Can't remember the exact moment he fell in love with him.All he knows is he's doomed.Especially when he started coughing petals when Ni-ki smiled at him.
Relationships: Kim Sunoo/Nishimura Riki | Ni-ki
Comments: 18
Kudos: 67





	I Will Bloom For You

I.

It wasn't supposed to be like this.

Sunoo never planned to fall in love. Or at least, he's never planned to fall head over heels for his best friend. Especially that his best friend Ni-ki is also in love with someone else and is in a happy relationship with Jay.

He swallows painfully as he watches Ni-ki and Jay from the other side of the table whispering to each other sweetly and laughing heartily as if they're the only ones in the room. He tries so hard to look somewhere else. But for some reason, he can't seem to look away. He's still drawn to Ni-ki's smile; to the way his eyes crinkle at the ends when he laughs so hard; to the way he flaps when he reaches peak happiness.

Sunoo wishes so bad he's the reason of that. But how can he compete to Jay? He's just a childhood friend to Ni-ki.

A friend.

Sunoo can feel the telltale sign. His throat started to itch; he feels the urge to cough. His neck and chest started constricting, making it suddenly so hard to breathe. He heaves, hunching just a little.

Someone taps his shoulder -- it's Sunghoon; he looks concerned.

"Sunoo?" he calls, voice laced with worry. "You okay? Something hurt?"

He pursed his lips. He can't really trust himself not to cough petals right there and then the moment he opens his mouth so he settles by shaking his head as an answer, forcing a smile in an attempt to ease the curiosity and worry of the older boy.

Ni-ki used to check on him. Ni-ki used to look after him. Ni-ki used to make sure he feels fine. Ni-ki used to be the first one to notice if he's hurt or uncomfortable.

But that was all in the past.

Because Ni-ki has someone special now he focused all his attention to.

And that is not Sunoo.

He blinks the tears away brimming in his eyes. He can't cry here. Not in front of Sunghoon. Not in the presence of Ni-ki and Jay. Not when the whole group should be having fun because it's the last day of school and first day of semester break. He'll cry later when he's alone and in the safety of his room. But not here, not now.

When he looks back in front, he meets Ni-ki's eyes. Jay is still speaking beside him, talking about something funny by the way he can't stop smiling himself. But he couldn’t careless, Sunoo finally has Ni-ki's attention again for once; his eyebrows furrowed – Ni-ki's worried. Sunoo feels bad.

They stare at each other for a long stretch of minute. It's as if the world stops spinning on its axis for them – to give them enough time to marvel each other's existence; their surroundings spin in a blur and everything seems muted except for Sunoo's loud beating heart in his chest.

But the hand on his shoulder made him snaps back to reality. A reality wherein he is in love with his friend who can never reciprocate his feelings.

"Hey." Sunghoon moves a little closer, searching his face and blocking his view of the younger boy. Sunoo was forced to look at Sunghoon instead. "You look pale," Sunghoon continues, touching his forehead with the back of his hand making him jerks back a little at the contact, not expecting such kind gesture from the boy.

He met Sunghoon not a long ago and there's not much opportunity for them to be closer more than acquaintances. Because honestly, he doesn’t have time to look at someone else, or someone new. Ni-ki has always had Sunoo's full attention; ever since when they were younger and even until now, they're young adults.

"I'm okay," Sunoo finally croaks after few seconds of silence, braving himself and hoping he doesn’t suddenly throw up flower petals. His throat and chest hurt so much. So much. His mouth feels as dry as desert and his lungs feels like it'll implode with the lack of air. Although he tried his best to suppress it, the cough is still forcing its way out.

Sunoo suddenly stands up in panic, eyes wide – red and watery, hastily running away from the table, sending his chair tumbling behind him as a result. The loud sound of the metal chair hitting the floor is enough to alert everyone's attention to him.

"Sunoo!"

There are two voices calling his name. But this time, his eyes met Sunghoon's when he looks back. The boy's hands are hovering over Sunoo's arms but never making contact. He started coughing slightly behind his hands, face hot and beet red. Forcing his legs to move, he continues to walk away… from Ni-ki, from Sunghoon -- leaving everyone behind. He searches for the restroom with his tears blocking his sight. He sniffles. He coughs. It hurts so much.

The loud footsteps behind him aren’t helping, making him panic even more. He's not a religious person but he prayed so hard it's not Ni-ki's because he can't face him now. He’s sure his friend will ask about what’s happening and Sunoo doesn’t have an answer to that. He doesn’t want to lie some more. Hiding his feelings for the younger was enough – he can’t lie anymore.

With cold shaking hands, he quickly locked himself inside the cubicle as soon as he spots one; hunching over the toilet bowl and dry heaving. He coughs, the force scratches his throat, sending bright yellow flower petals all over the floor.

Sunoo has always loved flowers. But not like this.

"Sunoo!" He startles at the loud knocks on the door behind him. "Sunoo! What's happening?" It's Ni-ki’s voice – worried, panicked. He might not be able to see his friend's face behind the door but he can clearly picture how worried he might be.

Sunoo really feels bad.

It's the last day of school and they should be enjoying their semester vacation but here he is, putting his feelings first above their friend group. He ruined the mood. They should be all having fun instead of worrying over him locking himself in a cubicle.

"Sunoo," Ni-ki whispers softly behind the door. He stopped knocking as if he knew the older boy is listening to him despite the silence. "Sunoo hyung," he repeats. "Speak to me. Tell me if you're okay. Please. I just wanted to know if you're okay," he pleads.

Sunoo feels the exact moment his heart breaks this time. The hot burst of tears started wetting his cheeks even more. He's sure his face is blotchy red and he'll hate how he looks in the mirror after this.

He hiccups, sobbing harshly behind his hands. His stomach twists and turns, like something has dropped to his toes. He wanted Ni-ki to pay attention to him again, yes, but not like this.

Another onslaught of cough – the pretty petals make way past his fingers. He heaves, sucking for air and stares at the mess on his feet, crying harder.

They're beautiful, like always.

But what makes him cry some more is the blood on his mouth, chin and palm.

He's fucked.

II.

The semester break gone by in a blink of an eye.

The whole vacation, Sunoo tried to busy himself attending dance workshop to keep his mind off his feelings – where he found Sunghoon, who turned out to be the son's owner of the dance studio.

It was a little awkward for a couple of days between them since they weren't really close. But soon enough, Sunoo realized that Sunghoon was actually someone easy to talk to. Or maybe, it's the fact that Sunghoon is usually quiet that Sunoo found himself feeling at ease with him.

Because with Sunghoon, he doesn't have to think of something to talk about to fill the silence between them. He doesn't have to comment on anything to have something to say. Sunoo soon found a new friendship with Sunghoon where he can just exist. His heart calm and mind at peace.

But it was as if it's the calm before the storm. Because a few weeks later, Sunoo found himself in front of Ni-ki's front door, swallowing the lump in his throat, heart beating fast in his chest. His hands are clammy on his sides, unsure if he really wanted to do this.

The group decided to gather in Ni-ki's apartment for a small gathering after their semester break.

"It's been forever since I last saw you all!" Jungwon whines in their group chat. And Heesung, as the eldest of the group, took it in himself to grant the younger's wish. Ni-ki quickly volunteered his apartment for the small gathering. And of course, Jay was the first to agree.

Sunoo, on the other hand, said he'll think about it first since he's a little busy these days, leaving everyone confused. Well, it’s a lame excuse. But he needed one if he doesn't want to cough flowers with blood in front of everyone.

He heaves a deep breath, ready to knock, when his phone vibrated in his jeans' pocket.

It's Ni-ki.

Sunoo hesitates; actually hesitates, thumb hovering over the answer slide, unsure if he wants to have a conversation with his friend right now. But that only lasted for a split second before he’s pressing the answer key.

"Hey," he greets as soon as he pressed the device against his ear. He hopes he doesn't sound like he'd rather be anywhere than here.

"Hyung!" Ni-ki's voice sounds surprised, as if he didn't expect for Sunoo to answer his call. But then he clears his throat, probably to compose himself. "Where are you? Are you coming?"

Sunoo doesn't really want to think about it but his heart still aches by the way Ni-ki almost sounds hopeful; like he wanted Sunoo to come, like he wanted to see him too.

Who does Sunoo trying to deceive when he knew himself that he'd rather suffer another pain than to not be with Ni-ki even for a short moment? He'd rather see Ni-ki smile and laugh with someone else than not see the younger happy. He'd rather suffer silently in pain alone than stop admiring Ni-ki. Just the idea of not loving Ni-ki already hurts. Not being with the younger hurts more.

"Yes," Sunoo croaks an answer to the phone. "I'm at your door."

There's a sound of something falling from inside the apartment before the door finally opened. And Sunoo comes face to face with the one he loves.

Ni-ki is standing in front of him in plain white shirt, wearing his prescription glasses, phone still pressed to his ear. He looks younger than Sunoo remembers. And he looks flustered for some reason.

"What took you so long?" Ni-ki whispers. Sunoo heard his voice both personally and through the phone, making him crack a smile.

"I'm in front of you," he giggles. Actually giggles, because his friend is so effortlessly cute. "You can hang up now, Ni-ki." The younger boy blushes at that. Sunoo thinks the pink on his cheeks made him even prettier.

"We've been waiting for you hyung," Ni-ki comments again once they’re inside the apartment. Sunoo busies himself taking off his shoes to have an excuse to not look at his best friend and marvel at his beauty.

"Sorry, run some errand. Where are they?" he answers simply, diverting the topic. He can’t really tell him he almost ditched his friends to save himself from pain and was fool enough to still choose suffering in the end.

"What errand?" Ni-ki asked behind him, curious.

But Sunoo doesn't have the chance to think of an answer to that when a whole Jungwon suddenly jumps on him, forcing him to carry and balance the both of them on his feet.

"Why are you always so busy, hyung?" Jungwon pouts, hugging him tighter.

"Just say you miss me and go," Sunoo jokes, carefully putting Jungwon down to his feet. "I missed you too, don't worry! It's the reason why I'm here."

"I heard you see Sunghoon hyung the whole vacation," Jungwon sulks.

His breath hitched; face suddenly feels warm at the sudden attention from the group.

"Oh... what's this?" It's Jay who started teasing; bumping his elbow playfully with Sunghoon who just came out from the kitchen.

"What is it?" Sunghoon asks, bewildered.

The whole group suddenly started teasing the both of them. Sunoo can't see Ni-ki's expression since the younger is still standing behind him but he could guess he's also having fun. Everyone's having fun.

And for a moment, Sunoo forgets his unrequited feelings. For a moment, he allowed himself to just enjoy.

He locked eyes with Sunghoon who just shrugs and smiled shyly at him.

After eating late lunch, the group settles in the living room. Jake suggested to watch a movie, fighting with Jungwon over action and horror film. Sunoo only giggles at them, amused. He doesn't really care whatever they watch as long as they all had fun.

He contemplates sitting on the carpeted floor where Jake and Jungwon are sprawled. Or on the sofa where Jay and Ni-ki already occupied. They look comfortable with Jay's arm around Ni-ki and the younger resting his head on his boyfriend's shoulder. It feels like he's interrupting something intimate.

But then, Ni-ki sees him standing awkwardly and taps the space beside him. Sunoo doesn't have the heart to decline the offer. It's also an excuse to be closer to the boy. And so, with his heart hanging on a thread, he sits and tries his best to ignore the two lovers beside him and the sound of his heart breaking.

"Why are you two fighting when we can watch both movies you like?" Heeseung finally interrupted the two still bickering on the floor, snatching the remote from the younger boys. Jake pouts at being scolded but be scoots closer in front of Jay's feet while Jungwon automatically clings to Sunoo. Jungwon was about to sit on the small space beside him when someone beats him to it.

It's Sunghoon.

"Sorry. I don't feel like sitting on the floor," the older boy excuses, offering the bowl of chips in his hands.

Jungwon closes his eyes tightly as if controlling himself from talking back but he glares at Sunghoon before sitting by Sunoo's feet. He feels more than hears when Sunghoon laughs by the way his shoulder shakes against his arm. He didn't even realize they're basically pressed to each other because of the tight space.

III.

Sunoo thinks he's getting better at ignoring his feelings as time passes by. It's been almost half a year and he's used to seeing his friend happy with someone else. He gets better at masking his pain too – smiling and laughing around them like nothing is wrong.

Or so he'd like to think.

He's busy on his phone when Ni-ki sat down beside him, immediately nuzzling his face against his shoulder like he used to do when he's still single. Sunoo can feel his face warms immediately, cheeks pink and heart thudding in his throat.

"Hyung," Ni-ki mumbles against his shirt. He tried to not focus in the way Ni-ki's arms wrap around his waist, tightening his hold. His breath hitch when he feels the younger's face pressed against the exposed skin of his neck. He almost forgot how clingy his friend can get sometimes. "You always smells so nice," Ni-ki comments offhandedly, setting Sunoo's heart into overdrive.

Sunoo did what he does best – masking the fluster by chuckling softly, threading his fingers into Ni-ki's soft caramel locks. He feels the younger sigh against his skin, breath warm. It tickles, sending goosebumps on his arms. He can’t see his face but he thinks he's relaxed at the way his body slumps; his weight a familiar feeling against Sunoo’s body.

"What's wrong?" he asks softly, not wanting to disturb the tranquil. The younger hums but did not answer. Sunoo lets him, continues to run his fingers over Ni-ki's hair and massaging his scalp. The younger likes it especially when he's stressed.

He missed this.

He missed him.

"Are you busy?" Ni-ki opens one eye to look over Sunoo who's still trying to distract himself on his phone rather than focus on his rapid beating heart.

"Not really," the older boy answers, locking his phone and pocketing it before turning to his friend. "Why? You wanna do something?" Ni-ki nods his head, pulling away from him to sit properly. Sunoo misses his warmth against him already.

"Let's go on a date!" Ni-ki beams, as if he didn't just almost cause Sunoo a heart attack.

There's a lump in his throat, watching Ni-ki gets excited and listening to the list of things he wanted to do with Sunoo. If he didn't know better, he'll be celebrating with his heart in the clouds. But of course, Sunoo wouldn't think the date is actually a date. More like friends hanging out. But Sunoo is dumb; he's stupid... for still wanting it. For wanting Ni-ki.

He thinks his lungs is about to combust from the lack of air. But this time, it's a different kind of suffocation he feels. It's a good kind. Because for once, he's having a hard time breathing because he's laughing so much. He has tears in his eyes but it's happy tears. For once, he can hear his own voice loud in his ears. He's laughing. His eyes crinkling. He's happy. His heart feels full to the brim.

He tried to catch his breath, still giggling. Ni-ki is still jumping beside him, perfectly copying the dance steps in front of them on the screen.

"I can't do this anymore," he shouts in between his laughs, trying his best to mimic the steps. His feet can't keep up with the fast choreography though.

"Hyung, why are you so bad at this?" Ni-ki teased with a huge smile adorning his face, dancing effortlessly.

Sunoo waves his hands in front of him in surrender, wheezing, "You win," he coughs.

Ni-ki chuckles at his reaction before walking to his side. And then he feels warm palm rubbing his back in soothing manner. He looks up at his friend's face under his lashes, breath hitching when he catches the younger boy already looking at him, smiling softly.

He felt his heart clenched at the sight.

Smile looks so beautiful on Ni-ki. The kind of beautiful when you're walking on the seashore and the fine sand catches between your toes while watching the sunset. Or when you're at the balcony of your room alone looking up at the moon.

But Sunoo is a wave that crashes seashore for only a second before being pulled back into the ocean. He's the horizon that can only kissed the sun when it rises and sets. He's the dark clouds than can only touch the moon for a brief moment before passing by to let it shine again.

Sunoo can only have a moment with Ni-ki like this -- short, brief, stolen. It's not enough. It will never be enough. Because Sunoo is greedy. And he wants more. So much more. For once in his life, he wanted more of something he cannot have. Of something he will never have.

But he's selfish and stupid and foolishly in love with someone who will never love him back.

Why does he have to fall for someone so beautiful? Why does he have to want someone he's not allowed to have? Why does his heart won't stop yearning for the love he will never get back?

Sunoo was pulled back to reality when he feels warm hand wrapped around his. And he can't help but look down, watch their intertwined fingers and wonders how something isn't meant to be can still fits so perfectly. He squeezes his palm. If only he's allowed to not let go.

"Wanna eat something, hyung? I know a very good cutlet restaurant around here."

Sunoo looks up at the younger, eyes a little moist, wondering why universe allowed him to hold onto someone that he has to let go eventually.

Because Ni-ki is a seashore and Sunoo is a wave.

IV.

Sunoo was hunched over the sink, retching, just like any other day. There are pretty yellow petals around coming out of his mouth every time he coughs, his lips and chin smudged with blood. He pinched his eyes closed, tears wetting his cheeks blotchy red, a sheen of sweat glistening under the harsh light in his bathroom. His fringe damp, matting on his forehead.

He heaves, inhaling a lungful of air that catches in the wrong wind pipe up only to send him into another coughing fit. His throat feels like sandpaper, dry and scratchy. His chest constricts so much it hurts. His palms are clammy against the cold tile of the sink, arms shaking in a desperate attempt to hold his weight and prop himself up. He was left breathless, clavicles deep. When he looks up in the mirror, he almost didn't recognize himself – face pale, lips bitten with blood. There are tears clinging to his lashes. His cheeks swollen and eyes red.

Truth be told, the disease is starting to take a toll on his body, slowly killing him. He may not want to acknowledge it but it's the truth. And if he didn't do something about it, he'll die. His google searches have been a mess for the past weeks, trying to come up with a solution to save his life.

He doesn't want to die just yet.

He never wishes to be in this situation. He doesn't understand what he did wrong to deserve this pain. Was he ever a bad person? The only mistake he ever did was to fall for someone who doesn't love him back. And to continue to love them even with his life at risk.

And Sunoo doesn't even consider it a mistake. Because loving Ni-ki was never a mistake. How can it be wrong when it felt so right?

Sunoo crouches down, not minding the fact that he's on a bathroom floor, hiding his face in the crook of his elbows and finally letting himself cry to his heart's content. He cries loudly, wailing like a child. He cries and cries until he's reduced into a hiccupping and sobbing mess.

For the first time, he's crying not because of a broken heart and one-sided love.

For the first time, he's crying because he's scared – both for his life and for the possibility of losing his memories with Ni-ki.

Because the only solution to stay alive is to get a special heart surgery. A surgery that will remove the flower roots around his heart and lungs with the side-effect of losing his affection for the person he loves.

For the first time, Sunoo is crying for the possibility of losing Ni-ki.

If Sunoo went to school the next morning with puffy eyes and pale face, he excused it by watching drama series that made him stayed up crying.

Ni-ki was the first one to voice his concern, asking him if he wanted to take a quick rest and nap at the school clinic. And although he appreciated the sweet gesture, Sunoo quickly waved the suggestion off with a kind smile, telling him not to worry. His words might not be as convincing as he'd like it to be, if the group's worried looks are to go by.

He sits alone on the grass field after his last class, not wanting to go home yet. The sun is slowly setting, casting shadows on the school grounds. The sky is a beautiful paint of orange and pink and purple even with the dusk. The air is fresh and a little cold, wind softly ruffling the leaves and his hair.

Sunoo finally felt at ease.

But the peace was immediately broken when he sees the couple; Jay and Ni-ki heading to the main gate, laughing and content. It has suddenly occurred to him that it has been awhile since he and Ni-ki went home together. They would usually drop by the small restaurant right across the school, the old lady knew their orders by heart because they visit enough to be considered a regular customer.

They couldn't afford high class samgyupsal before so they'll end up with a cheese ramen and tteokbokki instead. It's funny, how the whole day they'll both crave for grilled meat and wrap but end up with spicy food. It's an old cute memory – one of the many Sunoo has with Ni-ki.

He watches the two until they're almost out of sight, eyes blinking the tears away.

He has given up a long time ago. But there are times he'd still stayed up late at night, staring up at his ceiling and thinking if it's really okay to keep these feelings to himself until the end. Or he should at least be honest to his friend and tell Ni-ki how he truly feels about him before his heart and mind completely forgets.

He gasped a little in surprise when a face suddenly pops in front of him. It's Sunghoon. He still has his backpack slung on his shoulder.

"What are you still doing here?" he asks before carelessly throwing his backpack to the side. He plops beside Sunoo, propping his hand behind him to lean. "You usually rushes home."

'You noticed?' Sunoo wanted to ask. But he chose to stay silent and keep it to himself, it’s not that important anyway, and instead look at Sunghoon's side profile. The older boy is looking far in the distance so he did the same. They both silently watch as the sun completely sets, twilight taking over.

Sunoo blows on his hands and rubs his arms, trying to warm his skin. It feels colder than few minutes ago since it's almost night.

"Here." A jacket was thrown over his knees spread on the grass field.

He turns to Sunghoon, eyes wide. The older boy is still not looking at him but he's scratching his neck, the tips of his ears pink. Sunoo wonders if it's because Sunghoon is shy or if he's also cold like him – the latter made him feel a guilty.

"What are you doing?" he murmurs, picking up the huge fabric. It felt soft and warm around his fingers. "You're going to catch a cold, hyung." He extends the jacket back to Sunghoon who only hums and pushes his hand slowly until it’s pressed to his own chest.

"I have strong immune system unlike you." Sunghoon glances his way. Sunoo pouts, cheeks warming at the attention. He focused on wearing the jacket with a quick thanks. The clothe was bigger than his frame it practically swallows him, his fingers barely peeking under the sleeves. "What's up though? The exam season stressing you out so much?"

Sunoo plays with the hem of the hoodie just to have something to do with his hands and to avoid looking at the older boy. "Everyone's stressed every exam season."

"Yeah. But they don't lose so much weight like you." Sunoo swallows thickly, the cold air making his throat dry. "If you haven't noticed, your eyebags are really terrible it's concerning," Sunghoon added. Sunoo chews on his lower lip. "If you needed a check-up, my mom is a doctor. I can refer you to her."

"I'm not sick," he argues, feeling a little sensitive.

"Of course, you'll think you're not. Nobody admits when they're in pain." Sunoo seethes. That hits a little too close to home. "Nothing's wrong with seeking help, you know that, right?" Sunoo keeps silent. He hears the older boy sighs beside him. "I don't know what's going on, but at least I can see that you are not doing well. I can tell there's something bothering you. And if I am not the right person for you to crack, I just hope--"

"Can she perform surgery?" Sunoo cuts, looking up at the older boy who looks caught off-guard. He might've not expected the younger boy to intercept his monologue.

"She's a heart surgeon. I--" Sunghoon paused, a little confused. "What kind of surgery do you..." He left the question hanging, hoping for Sunoo to catch on it.

Sunoo forced a smile, pained.

V.

If Sunoo wanted to live longer, there are two things he should consider: first, is to get the special heart surgery; and second, is to tell someone who is willing to help him about his condition.

And of all people around him, Sunoo never expected for it to be Sunghoon.

That afternoon, Sunoo poured his heart out for the first time – of how he started noticing every little thing about his best friend; how he started developing small crush; how he started to fall in love; how he started to realize it was unrequited; how he started coughing petals.

And for the first time, Sunoo felt he was heard. That he has a voice. That there is someone willing to just listen – with no judgement and side comment.

That afternoon, they sit on the grass side by side, with Sunoo confessing his feelings to someone that is not Ni-ki, whispering love letters he kept to himself for so long into the cold wind, letting it be blown somewhere he'd never see.

For the first time that afternoon, Sunoo felt like it was also a goodbye.

A goodbye to his feelings for his best friend; a goodbye to their shared memories; a goodbye to his one-sided love.

It felt like it was goodbye to himself, too. A goodbye to the version of himself that is so in love with the person who will never see him as someone more than a friend. A goodbye to the Sunoo that is willing to suffer alone if it meant loving.

Because loving Ni-ki made him feel so alive even if that same love is eating him alive. Even if that same love is slowly killing him – in more ways than one.

It felt like a goodbye to the version of life he has today.

But it also felt like a new beginning. But emptier.

That afternoon, he talked and talked for hours – just the two of them and his feelings. Sunghoon sat there, looking at the distance just listening. This is what's good with befriending the older boy, because with him, Sunoo was never pressured to talk about certain topics. He can rant about whatever he wants. Or not talk at all. Sunghoon will just sat there with him, silent and quiet. And that's okay. Because with him, even silence is comfortable.

"When did you start falling in love with Ni-ki?" Was the older boy's first question of the night. They are walking home after hours of staying in the campus, walking side by side. The boy insisted to walk him home even if he lives on the opposite side of the town.

Sunoo ponders; because honestly, he can't remember. There is no exact timeline when he started falling in love. All he knows is that, one morning he woke up to the idea of Ni-ki and his heart automatically flutters, happy and full to the brim. He never meant to feel something more for the younger boy but here he is, months too late to turn back.

And it's not as if he also considered stopping in the first place. It's stupid because he didn't. Never. Because even with his weak arms, heart and body, he still embraced everything that came with loving Ni-ki – even if it's pain. A lot of pain.

A few beats of silence passed.

Sunoo finally answers, a small smile tugging at the corners of his lips. "I think, I have always been a little bit in love with Ni-ki without knowing. He's a good person in general, so bright and selfless, always takes good care of me and everyone else. I just didn't know I was already in love until I was a little bit too late to tell him about it.” He finally comes up with an answer.

“Now, I can't even come clean and be honest with my feelings without thinking of the consequences," he paused, glancing at Sunghoon who has his head down, watching their footsteps hitting the dark pavement. "If I realized about it earlier, then I only have to worry about the possibility of ruining our friendship if ever he didn't like me back. Which is the case now, obviously," he laughs, the sound tastes bitter in his mouth. "But now, I also have to worry about his other person."

"It's your feelings," Sunghoon says, slow and careful. "You should be able to confess whenever you want."

"You know it's not that easy." Sunoo kicks a pebble. He watches it rolls ahead of them on the sidewalk. "If it was, I wouldn't be in this situation. And both Ni-ki and Jay are my friends. They're very precious to me, Sunghoon hyung. You all are. I never even thought about getting in the middle. What if I accidentally ruin our group dynamics because of my selfish feelings? I wouldn't be able to forgive myself for ruining something so beautiful."

"Your feelings aren't selfish," Sunghoon frowns, sounding a little defensive. Sunoo lets himself smiles. "You should be able to decide what to do with your feelings without thinking it's selfish for feeling those."

"And I have decided." Sunoo looks up at the dark sky, the clouds are moving so delicately around the moon. He wished he can see more of it, with the same feelings he has now.

VI.

Sunoo stares at the white paper under his hands, fingers tight around the pen he's holding. The words swim in front of him, unshed tears making it hard to make out the sentences. He can't think properly. He can't breathe properly.

Is he really doing the right thing?

He looks up at the lady sitting in front of him across the glass table, wearing pristine white uniform and expression delicate. Sunoo thinks she knows what he's thinking. She understands his sudden hesitation. She thinks he's scared. And she's right about everything. He's a mess.

The doctor clasped her hands on the table, leaning slightly forward and giving Sunoo a small, understanding smile.

"It's okay, honey. I know this is a very hard decision and that you may want to think this through a little more," she starts softly, careful. Sunoo looks down when the lady reaches for his shaking hands, he didn't even realize he's trembling. Her hands are warm in contrast to his icy cold ones. It's comforting.

"But based on your chart, I'll have to be frank to you. If you don't do surgery in the next two weeks, the roots will completely wrap around your heart and make it stop beating. For good." She rubs her thumbs on the back of Sunoo's hands, probably hoping to ease the tense in his white knuckles.

"I know the side-effects are also making you think twice. It's normal. I'd react the same, too. Most of the patience I've handled before had the same reactions and fear. They all told me how scary it is. And it's always harder to let go than to stay. There's no parting that doesn't hurt," she paused, looking Sunoo in the eyes. He felt his chest constrict, stomach churning.

"I'll give you a week to decide. Okay? Do whatever you want for that last week. Do everything until you're sure you wouldn't have regret leaving your current life for your new beginning. And if you still want to push through the heart surgery, just contact me and I'll schedule you as soon as possible. If you are ready to make new memories and leave behind the past. You have my number. Or contact me through my son, it's no problem. I'll leave you this waver. Bring those with you once you've decided." She smiles warmly, giving his hands one final squeeze in comfort before she leans back, fixing her glasses on the bridge of her nose.

Sunoo looks back down on the white paper, his senses finally kicking in and recognizing the strong smell of disinfectant.

He folds the paper that holds his life before tucking it in his bag.

VII.

"Was it worth it?"

Sunoo thinks back to the final question the doctor left him with before marching away from him to attend the other patients. The folded paper inside his bag feels uncharacteristically heavy even if it's lightweight. Because it holds his past, current and future.

The single white paper that holds his second chance in life.

But thinking back; was it really worth it?

Sunoo bounces beside Ni-ki, swinging his arm over his shoulders, struggling a little because the younger somehow is in a growth spurt and he's getting taller every day.

Ni-ki turns to him with his usual cheeky smile, teasing about their height difference. The younger gently peels his hands off him before slinging his own arm around Sunoo's shoulders, comfortably so, and pulling him flushed against Ni-ki's side until their bodies are bumping with every walk.

Sunoo feels his blood rushed to his cheeks, ears hot.

"Hello, short hyung," Ni-ki greets, practically dragging Sunoo with his huge strides. This is unfair. Why does he have such long legs? "You seem happier today. What's the good news?" He turns to Sunoo who is still red from their skin-ship. He can excuse it to the cold though.

"Do I need good news to be happy?" he tried to sass but he definitely failed when Ni-ki just laughed at him before booping his nose with cold index finger.

"So cute. I guess you're more relaxed now since the exam week is over."

Sunoo only hums, casually snuggling closer to the younger boy, seeking body warmth. Ni-ki didn't even think twice tightening his hold around him, like it was just natural to do so.

When they reached their usual lunch table, the whole group is already in three different topics, talking all at once. They are always very noisy and loud when together. Ni-ki sat down beside Jay as expected. Sunoo acts like he didn't just breaks a little more inside.

But before he can find himself a vacant seat, his friend pulled him down with him, so they're sitting beside each other. He lets out a little yelp when his bottom hits the cold chair, surprised, ready to scold Ni-ki. But the boy is so beautiful with his slightly pink nose from the cold, laughing loudly, smilingly widely. The sight makes him warm inside. So he settles on rolling his eyes.

"I think I didn't do well in thermodynamics," Jake sulks, dramatically plopping his head on the table.

"That's basic, hyung. How can you mess it up?" Jungwon rolls his eyes, cheek flat on the table, facing Jake. "I'm more worried on calculus."

"Okay, genius," Jake murmurs.

"Seriously, do those people who invented complicated subjects like differential equations don't have social life? Why did they do that?" Jungwon whines, pouting. Heeseung came up behind the younger boy to rub his back soothingly.

"I want rubs, too," Jake demands. Heeseung sighs.

Sunoo chose to entertain himself with his dramatic friends' antics while stealing chips from Ni-ki. The younger boy mindlessly wiping Sunoo’s hand clean with paper towel while talking to Jay so he still counts it as a win, as long as Ni-ki pays him attention.

He's happily munching when he suddenly locked eyes with Sunghoon, sitting quietly across from him. He smiles at him, earning a customary nod of greeting from the older boy in return.

Looking at Sunghoon, he was once again reminded by the waver hidden between his book.

He has one last week to live his life to the fullest. And like any game, the end buzzer will beat and it is game over. It's time to choose over living longer or stopping here.

He looks over at Ni-ki who probably felt his eyes on him because he suddenly turns to Sunoo. And they stare at each other with a twin smile on their lips.

He'll miss this.

This exact view in front of him. The cute mole on his chin. The small button nose. Those dark chocolate warm eyes. His honey voice calling the older’s name. The way he scrunches his nose when he reached peak happiness

Looking back, Sunoo concludes;

Yes, it's worth it.

It felt like as if it has been forever since the last time Sunoo and Ni-ki went home together. They're living in the same neighborhood, yes – but ever since Ni-ki got in a relationship with Jay, after class hours are automatically for his boyfriend instead of best friend.

Sunoo is usually the louder one between the two; but for now, he decided to be more of a listener than a talker. He'd like to take this rare opportunity to hear Ni-ki's voice more, focus on his expressions, and listen to him ramble excitedly over things that happened to his day.

Because Sunoo doesn't get a lot of chance to do that.

He doesn't have a lot of chance left to do that.

Their arms are bumping lightly, Sunoo tightens his grip around the straps of his bag. They're both absorb in something the younger is saying about his dance class earlier.

"I think I have to discuss that part with Heeseung hyung tomorrow," Ni-ki concludes, turning to Sunoo.

The older boy nods softly, encouraging the other. "You should do that."

"You should come see me practice, Sunoo hyung. It's been awhile."

Sunoo doesn't answer right away.

He used to attend Ni-ki's dance practice even if it's late and he has schoolwork. He just sits on one corner, back against the wall, books and notebooks cluttering in front of him as he tried to squeeze and finish as more assignments as he can while watching his best friend dance.

He might've ended up only finishing half of his homework's worth but it's fine. Because watching Ni-ki in his element is something Sunoo is willing to indulge himself over and over again.

The way Ni-ki concentrates to the sound of the music, his body moving fluidly to the beat of the song, the way he lost himself to the rhythm while watching himself through the mirror. Their eyes will meet from time to time, will smile to each other, then go back to what they're doing.

Sunoo thinks Ni-ki is so, so beautiful.

And he missed that. He missed seeing that.

They're almost around Sunoo's street when he finally answers, "I think, I will. Let me make time for that." The wide smile that blooms on Ni-ki's face says a lot. Sunoo thinks he made the right choice.

"I'll show you the new choreography we did!" Ni-ki started again excitedly.

And just like earlier, Sunoo listens intently to Ni-ki's voice, engraving his favorite sound in his heart and mind as much as he could; the way his pitches go slightly high when he's particularly excited and proud; or the way he'll slur some words when he's rushing them out.

He tried his hardest to memorize his expressions -- the way he'd frown when he's confused on particular things; the corner of his mouth turning downwards when Sunoo laughs at his antics; or his eyes would literally sparkle at little compliments; and the way he'd scrunch his nose.

Sunoo stares, memorizing every detail of Ni-ki. He'd at least want clear memory of his friend before he completely forgets about him.

He feels the telltale sign of tears burning at the back of his eyes, but before Ni-ki could see it, Sunoo quickly looks away and ahead.

"Hyung," Ni-ki calls. Sunoo hums an affirmative. "Do you have a lot to do tonight?"

"Nothing much. I finished my homework earlier at the library. Why?" Sunoo stops himself from turning to his friend, watching their footsteps instead; the sound of their shoes against the pavement and the traffic somewhere filling the silence between them.

Ni-ki hoist his bag on his shoulder, walking in front of Sunoo backwards, facing the older boy, wind ruffling his dark fringe over his eyes like a stardust. "Can I stay for a while? I missed messing your room." He beams.

"I give up!" Ni-ki plops down on the soft white mattress, arms spread above his head.

Sunoo looks at the younger in sympathy, his own back against the headboard, sheet work resting on his folded knees. He's trying his best to help the younger with compounds and acids.

"We can take a quick break if you want," he offers, gathering the stack of papers around his bed before putting it backdown on his side table. Ni-ki doesn't even move, just turn his eyes onto him with a hum. "Wait here. I'll get us some snacks," he says before walking downstairs.

The original plan was to only hangout in the room and maybe watch some series on his laptop, before the younger boy realizes he has pending schoolworks. And since Sunoo is the nerd one between them, he offers some help. He also knew the subject really well so it's easy for him.

When he comes back to his room with a plate of cookies and glasses of limeade, he saw Ni-ki fast asleep on his bed, still in the same position he left him. Sunoo quietly shuts the door behind him, leaving the tray of snacks on his study table before tidying up his room a little.

He settles beside Ni-ki as carefully as he can to not jostle the sleeping boy, one knee folded over the bed while the other leg still hangs over the side on the floor. He watches the consistent pattern of his breathing, the slow rise and fall of his chest every time he inhales and exhales. His mouth a little parted, soft noise coming from the back of his throat.

The way his eyelashes flutter from time to time, framing the highpoint of his cheeks. And his little mole on his chin – Sunoo knows he shouldn't do this, but he can't help it when he lifts a hand, his knuckles running on the side of his friend's face, the soft skin warming against his knuckles. He traces Ni-ki's soft curves until his index finger touches the little mole that always catches his eyes. It's cute.

But it's not right. And he shouldn't do this.

However, Sunoo still can't help but admire someone that isn't his and will never be his.

For some twisted reason, he can't keep his hands to himself. He can't keep his hands away from Ni-ki. For some reason, he can't close his eyes and turn a blind eye whenever he's near. This is not right and Sunoo should stop before he hurts himself more. But for some reason, he can't.

Ni-ki is like a gravity who keeps pulling him in close to the shore whereas whenever Sunoo gets a taste of fine sand, the ocean pulls him back to reality and away from the land.

Something like when a knock against his door jostle him back to reality, pulling his hand away from Ni-ki's face as if it burnt his skin.

"Sweetheart?" It's his mom.

Sunoo exhales shakily, heart thudding in his throat. He swallows, standing up from the bed and opening the door. "Yes, mom?"

His mother peeked through the small gap into the room, spotting his friend comfortable on his bed. "Is Ni-ki gonna stay for dinner? I'll prepare the table in 10 minutes." She smiles tenderly at her son, combing his hair with her fingers out of his eyes.

"Not sure, mom. But I'll ask him once he wakes up from his power nap," he chuckles a little, remembering Ni-ki's sleeping face and his ability to fall asleep as soon as his back hits the mattress.

"Okay." She pats her son's wrist. "Let me know." And then she's off to the kitchen.

"Auntie still treats you like a baby, hyung," Ni-ki yawns, stirring awake.

Sunoo scoffs, closing the door behind him. "She's just sweet."

"You're a baby," Ni-ki chuckles lowly, voice laced with sleep.

And Sunoo acts like his blood didn't just rushed to his face and his heart beating fast in his ribcage.

Ni-ki didn't stay for dinner, saying he has to be home before it gets too late. Sunoo walked him to the door like usual, exchanging quick goodbyes and a promise of meeting again tomorrow. He watches Ni-ki waves at him and walks away... with his heart following the younger boy behind.

VIII.

"Figured I'll find you here."

Sunoo flinches a little from his seat, turning to the source of the voice. Sunghoon smiles at him, half of his face buried in a black scarf. He looks warm.

The younger looks down on his fit, suddenly feeling very much underdressed with only a windbreaker protecting him from the cold. He really chose the wrong clothing today, especially that it's almost late autumn. The weather has been obviously colder than the past weeks even during the day, temperature gradually dropping more and more when the night comes and as winter approaches.

It's another late afternoon where Sunoo chose to stay behind and sit on the wide campus grass field, watching the students rushed home.

Sunghoon sits beside him just like the last time, dropping his bag somewhere near him.

"Hi," he greets, just to have something to say.  
The older acknowledges with a small nod, settling himself on the grass, legs spread in front of him. "How was the past week?"

Sunoo ponders the question; if he's being honest, he'd never been happier since the time he found out about his own condition but last week had brought him more and fresh memories he can add to his stash of favorite things he did with Ni-ki. The last week had given him reason to want to live some more; had opened his eyes to the realization that it's worth to love... even if it's alone.

The younger turns to Sunghoon, eyes bright for the first time in a long time.

"It's the best, I think. I met the group a few more times over lunch, I walked home with Ni-ki, he even stayed for some hours in our house – just hangout like the old days. And I also had time to understand more of myself, more of what I want, more of what I really hoped for. For what felt like a long time, I experienced having something to look forward to everyday – wanting to wake up another day," he paused, a forlorn look crossing his eyes for a split second, "I want to live."

And something unexpected happened.

It's Saturday night, the group decided to go out because Sunoo won't stop unleashing his puppy eyes. With a playful sigh as if they're being forced into something they don't want to, everyone agrees and now they're playing in arcade.

But seriously, Sunoo just wants to spend some time with his friends, create happy memories and just enjoy.

Tomorrow is a big day, for him at least. He's scheduled for the heart surgery, the white paper in the pocket of his hoodie is just a reminder to it.

He turns to Jungwon, who is sitting on his right for the car racing. "Ready?"

"I was born ready." He winks, hand tight around the wheel before facing the monitor. Sunoo did the same, a grin permanent on his lips.

They're in the middle of the game, the other 5 around them loud and rowdy, betting on who will win between the two. Jungwon keeps cheating by forcing his hands off the wheel and turning it on the opposite direction.

Sunoo is definitely having fun.

But then his chest suddenly constricts, ribcage shuttering shut, breath wavering. His vision suddenly blurs, blinking, the images in front of him swimming, black spots covering his sight. His ears rung, his friends' voices suddenly sound distant as if he's underwater and drowning.

His hands slipped from the wheel, his side hitting the plastic chair he's sitting on, sheen of sweat decorating his pale face. He feels cold and warm at the same time. It's so hard to breathe. He's desperately heaving, inhaling lungful of air in an attempt to keep himself alive. But it felt futile.

Someone called his name. Many voices are shouting his name – desperate, shocked, scared.

Their voices sound just like how Sunoo is feeling.

Someone blocked his view. He can't see their face. He can't recognize them. He tried to squint against the piercing light of the bulb on the ceiling but his eyes are useless at the moment.

He gasped; mouth parted. His fist closed around a soft material, nails digging against the skin, clawing.

"Sunoo!"

He can't recognize the voice. Why can't he recognize the voice? Who are they?

"Someone call the ambulance! Please!"

Why are they crying? Who are they crying for? Are the tears for him?

"Sunoo! Sunoo! Please wake up!"

He's awake. Sunoo is sure he's awake. Why are they trying to wake him up when he's not even sleeping?

"Open your eyes please. P-Please hold on a little more."

Oh. When did he close his eyes? Is that why all he can see is black? He can't remember.

"W-What's happening? What's happening to Sunoo hyung?"

It's Ni-ki.

It's Ni-ki's voice. He'll recognize that voice anywhere, anytime. It's Ni-ki.

"When will the ambulance come!!!"

Sunghoon? Why is Sunghoon hyung shouting? He sounds mad. He's angry. He's never been angry.

Sunoo can't breathe. It's getting harder to breathe. And it hurts so much. Why does it hurt so much? Can someone take the pain away? He can't do this anymore.

"His pulse are getting slower, Sunghoon. We can't wait for the ambulance to come. We need to get him to the hospital. "  
It's Heeseung hyung.

"Jay, I'll borrow your car."

"Go run, man. I'll give Heeseung hyung the key."

Sunoo is suddenly being lifted. And he's getting sleepier. Sleep. Yes. Sleep sounds so good. It's good. He'll be energized once he wakes up. This is just a dream. A bad dream.

IX.

Sunghoon slumps against the white wall, exhausted. He's never liked how hospitals looked; the plain white wall, the bright bulbs on the ceiling, the strong smell of disinfectant, the hustling and bustling sound of doctors, nurses and patients on the hallways back and forth. But he hates seeing the hospital machines more. Or hearing the sounds it makes.

Just like how he hates seeing the oxygen mask and tube around Sunoo now. And how the machine sounds so loud against the four corners of the cold room in time with the rise and fall of his chest. There are needles pricked into his skin connected to a bag of IV drip.

It's just not the Sunoo he's used to seeing every day in the campus. He's supposed to be bright and cheerful, bouncing from one place to another. Or sitting on a grass, soaking and enjoying the surroundings.

He's not supposed to be laying on that white hospital bed, in a cold hospital room, surrounded by loud breathing machine and heartbeat monitor, pale and unconscious. He can't even look at him directly in his state. Can't bear to watch the younger in such unfamiliar situation.

The rest of the group are inside, waiting for Sunoo to wake up. But Sunghoon doubts it, his mom already told him. He can't stomach the idea of his friend not waking up anytime sooner. Sunoo was supposed to wake up after his scheduled surgery and walk away from this hospital with his new life ahead. Not like this.

A heavy sigh leaves his lips, feeling defeated. He's about to head out and get some fresh air when the door beside him slides open, revealing a red-eyed Jungwon. The poor boy had been crying since back in the arcade until Sunoo was discharged from the emergency and moved into a regular room.

"Hyung," his voice is still a little wet and wobbly, as if he'll burst into another fit of cry any second.

Sunghoon cracked a small smile, motioning for the younger to come closer. Jungwon's lower lip juts out, eyes already filled with unshed tears.

"Hey." He pats Jungwon's head who tried to blink the tears away to clear his vision.

"Why are you here, hyung?" he whispers, turning to the door watching the others inside through the small glass. "Don't you want to see, Sunoo hyung?"

"I can't see him like this," he answers quickly. He really can't. He doesn't want to.

"What happened to him, hyung? What did auntie say about his condition?"

Amongst the group, Jungwon knows Sunghoon's family better. They used to see each other at the hospital every time his mom will bring him to work and Jungwon is with his parents who regularly visit for consultation.

But before Sunghoon could make up a lie, his eye catches something Jungwon is holding in his hand – it's a white paper crumpled in his fist. And with the way Jungwon is looking at him, Sunghoon knows there's no use in lying to his face. He knows. And he just need confirmation.  
So Sunghoon gave him just that -- he nods slowly. It's a confirmation to them both. Like a slap of realization that it is real. And one of their friends is on the edge of not making it.

The way Jungwon's face crumpled before the tears he's been trying to keep at bay streamed down his face broke Sunghoon's heart; so, he did what he can only do for now, pulled him into a hug and let him cry on his shoulder. Jungwon curls into him like a fragile child, fists clenched around his t-shirt, sobs wracking his whole body.

"H-How long, hyung?" Jungwon stutters against his shoulder.

Sunghoon isn’t sure what specifically the younger boy is talking about. Does he mean how long has he know about this? Or how long has Sunoo been hiding his condition? He isn’t sure but he still shakes his head nonetheless.

"I don't know when exactly." Because he really doesn't know. "But I just found out recently, too."

"Do you know who?" Jungwon whispers after a long stretch of silence, tears dry.vThe older stayed quiet; just runs his palm on the back of Jungwon's head to comfort the younger. "Will he make it?" the younger tries again when he noticed Sunghoon won't answer him. "Will he make it, hyung? Please tell me he will. Please tell me Sunoo hyung will make it."

"He will." Sunghoon hopes so. "Sunoo will make it." Saying it aloud, repeating it over and over again, is like a hypnotic chant. "Of course, he will." And maybe if he tried hard enough, it'll come true.

He's not a religious person but he's praying so hard for Sunoo to make it.

X.

Ni-ki carefully squeezes Sunoo's hand in between his, rubbing his palm against the skin in an attempt to keep it warm. It's cold. It has been cold since 5 hours ago. Sunoo's hands are always warm. It's not supposed to feel like this.

He looks over his sleeping face. Although Ni-ki knows the older boy is definitely not just sleeping, he’d rather think that he is, if only to escape the harsh reality of the situation.

He liked to drown out the beeping sound of heart monitor. And the inhale and exhale of the breathing machine. He'd like to not think about the hospital setting, or the bed, or the distinct smell of the room. He'd like to think that Sunoo is just getting the rest he deserves. Because he's worked hard. He's always worked hard.

In a brave moment, Ni-ki reached out and cups Sunoo's pale cheek in his hand. Even his face is cold.

"Wake up soon, hyung," he whispers into nothing.

Because it's midnight and everyone is asleep. Heeseung and Jake occupied the small space of the couch. Jay went home to get him clothes to change because there's no way he'll leave Sunoo's side. Sunghoon and Jungwon went outside.

It's not clear to them what really happened to Sunoo. All they know is that, a doctor specializes in heart surgery is the one who's keeping tab on his hyung. He doesn't fully understand it, but he has a hunch. And if ever, Ni-ki hopes it's a successful surgery.

Just as he's about to rest and attempt to get some sleep, the room is suddenly filled with light from outside as the door slides open.

It's the doctor – together with Sunghoon and Jungwon. The latter looks like he went through another fit of cry with his puffy red rimmed eyes.

"I need him in the operating room tomorrow morning as soon as possible," the doctor informs, writing something on her chart. She bends down and checks Sunoo's eyes with a small flashlight. "He's not gaining consciousness. And to be honest, he's still not breathing on his own. It's probably because of his heart. It's having difficulty pumping enough blood to supply oxygen to his brain." She turns to Sunghoon. Ni-ki frowns. "And you know why."

Sunghoon nods hesitantly, probably feeling awkward at the eyes on him. "Do what you have to do, doctor."

It's almost 3am and they should really get some rest.

But instead, the four of them are huddled around a small dirty white table of the hospital cafeteria with a steaming hot cup of vending machine coffee in front of them.

Sunghoon took a careful sip; it doesn't taste like the usual to-go coffee he'd like to get every morning at the nearby coffee shop in their campus. This one tastes bland, stale, and doesn't really provide the caffeine he needed at the moment.

Jungwon sniffs besides him, half from the cold and half from trying not to cry.

"Hey, what's wrong?" It's Jay, brows knitted in concern. He silently hands the younger a handkerchief he fished out of his pocket. "Here, Jungwonie. Don't cry now. Everything will be fine."

"Is it?" Ni-ki sounds defeated; his voice small and full of uncertainty. "Is it really?"

He looks worn out – just like everyone else.

It's just been hours since the arcade incident but the tiredness seeping in their bones felt like it has been weeks already. The bags under their eyes are ugly purple and heavy, skin a little colorless than usual.

They're all scared because the next few minutes still promises nothing but unknown.

"Of course, Ni-ki." Jay tried to comfort his boyfriend by running a soothing hand on his back. Sunghoon watches quietly behind his cup of coffee. "Don't doubt, Sunoo. He's a strong, boy. Trust your best friend."

Ni-ki's lips turned down, eyes sullen. He stares at his coffee, fingers playing on the rim of his cup.

"Best friend," he repeats the word, tasting it in his mouth. It must've tasted bitter with the way his face crumpled, holding back a cry. "Then why didn't I notice? If I am his best friend, why didn't I notice?" The pained smile on his lips broke even Sunghoon's heart. So he looks away, choosing to stare at nothing in particular in the distance.

Maybe, if he doesn't see how broken Ni-ki about this, the words he'll hear will hurt less.

"It must've been so painful, hyung. Sunoo must've been hurting all alone."

"Ni-ki..."

"Sunoo hyung must've been so--" he sobs, the force wracking his whole body. "He must've been so lonely fighting his battle alone when I should've been there."

Sunghoon bit his lower lip to keep himself from saying something dumb – like telling Ni-ki he's the reason Sunoo is suffering. He feels Jungwon's hand wrapped tightly around his forearm, the younger boy already silently crying on the sleeve of his hoodie.

"I suck at being a best friend."

"Ni-ki, it's not true--"

"I had one job." He wiped the tears harshly with the back of his hand. "Sunoo hyung must've been so lonely without me," he continues with shaky breath, voice wet and broken. "I didn't even notice. He's been suffering alone," he repeats like a broken record; like he's punishing himself with the words.

Sunghoon doesn't want to hear it anymore.

"Tomorrow morning, conscious or not, he'll undergo the heart surgery as per the urgency of the situation," he interrupts, providing an information they already know instead. He's done listening to Ni-ki.

All heads turn to him, six pair of bloodshot eyes throwing him silent hundreds of questions.

But it's Ni-ki – of course, it will be Ni-ki – who voiced the questions in their head.

"When did you know about this?" Sunghoon thinks he heard venom in Ni-ki's voice, expression guarded but bitter at the same time.

"Just recently," he answers directly nonetheless.

"How?" Ni-ki is gritting his teeth.

Probably from jealousy? Self-consciousness? Guilt? He should be. Sunghoon thinks he should be. He's the supposed to be the best friend but he didn't even know his best friend has been fighting alone for his life. And all because of him.

How ironic.

"You don't have to know." And if Sunghoon is doing it on purpose to annoy the younger boy, no one has to know. But he still feeds off at the pissed expression of his friend, mouth twisted in anger.

"But I want to! I need to!" Ni-ki's losing patience. He's losing control.

"Ni-ki calm down." Jay holds the younger back, trying to pull him back to his seat.

Sunghoon felt cold, trembling hand over his own. "Hyung." Jungwon shakes his head slowly, eyes exhausted and watery. "Please don't fight."

He takes a deep breath and wets his lips. Instead, he sips on his forgotten coffee, now cold and even more tasteless. It doesn't help wash the bitterness on his tongue or even the dryness of his throat but at least it helps stop his mouth from running some more.

"It's not my place to say anything more other than what I have said so far. I just know he has a heart problem and needed the surgery as soon as possible. He barely made it up to this point and we barely saved him. Just,.." The next words feel like a huge snowball lodge in his throat and it wouldn't disappear even how much he swallows. It hurts to be slapped by reality this way. "Let's hope for the best."

It's like a dam has been broken; Ni-ki slumps on his seat and weep on his arms on the table. He cried angry tears – for himself and Sunoo and everything in between.

He's lucky, he has Jay.

Sunoo has no one.

Because the only person Sunoo has... once had... is now with someone else.

XI.

Sunghoon hasn't slept a wink. But who can at this point? Sunoo has been in the operating room for 2hrs now. The surgery should last for 3-6 hours.

He didn't even realize he's bouncing his knee until Heeseung stopped it for him. The older boy spares a comforting smile.

The waiting time was the most nerve-wracking part of this whole situation.

Ni-ki and him avoided each other like a plague, still awkward and unsure how to act around each other after the small fight this early morning.

Jungwon was stuck to his side the whole time, who fell asleep at the fourth hour of the operation time. Sunghoon let the younger take his needed sleep, draping a jacket over his body while the younger tries to find the most comfortable position the plastic chairs could provide him in his sleep.

Jake and Heeseung are huddled near the operating room, pacing back and forth the hallway.

It was at the fifth hour when Sunghoon's mother – Sunoo's heart surgeon – finally steps out of the operating room. All of them, except the sleeping Jungwon, immediately crowds the doctor to get some news. They all desperately hope it's a good one.

"The operation was successful."

Sunghoon closed his eyes tightly, breath shaky. He can't remember when was the last time he felt this kind of relief. It's as if someone lifts a heavy stone away that has been weighing his whole body down for so long.

"Thank you, doctor."

___ ___ ___

When Sunoo finally opened his eyes, the first he sees is the white ceiling, still blurry from his long sleep.

The second he sees after blinking many times, is the open curtain of the window to his right. The moon high behind the dark clouds, shining brightly in the sky just like the last time he remembers.

The third he sees is Sunghoon, who just entered the room as quietly as possible. But then their eyes met, and then he's rushing to his side.

"Sunoo!" The older boy chants his name like a mantra. Sunoo wanted to smile or laugh. But neither he can do properly with the oxygen mask still covering his mouth.

At the noise the older boy has made, everyone was suddenly crowding his bed, waking from different corners of the room they deemed enough space to sleep on.

Sunoo hears more than sees Jungwon cries from the foot of his bed, the younger boy bawling his eyes out with his name on his lips.

"I-I was so scared hyung!" he stutters, voice muffled with tears.

Sunoo looks at everyone around him. They are all crying. Are those happy tears? He hopes it is. Are they happy? He hopes they are. Because Sunoo is very happy right now.

"I'm glad you're awake now, Sunoo-yah," Heeseung managed through his own tears.

Jake walks to his side, softly holding the hand without needles in his. "You scared us," he says, voice quivering. "Don't do that ever again. Okay?"

Sunoo smiles behind his oxygen mask, albeit weak, nodding his head as much as he could.

"Can't wait to see you recover." Sunoo looks around to find the voice. It's Jay, standing behind the stool on the side of his bed. "You have to get better quickly, okay? So you can attend school with us." Jay smiles at him. Sunoo hums behind his mask in affirmative.

"Sunoo hyung." Another voice from the stool beside his bed. Sunoo didn't even realize someone is holding his other hand.

The hand around his feels warm, opposite to his cold one. It's a familiar feeling. There are fingers tenderly rubbing on the back of his hand, tracing his knuckles with constellations. It feels nice.

"I missed you." Sunoo watches how the words slip from those lips. They looked bitten and they are turned down on the corners, wobbling. It's not a nice view.

"You scared me... us... so much." He runs his eyes all over the face. There are tears silently rolling down those cheeks. His eyes are sad and tired and pleading. "Don't ever do it again."

Sunoo tilts his head a little, waiting for the boy to look up from their hands so he can meet his eyes.

He looks familiar.

He sounds familiar.

So achingly familiar.

But Sunoo can't put a name to those eyes... to the sound of his voice.

"Who are you?"

_____ _____ _____

6 months later, Sunghoon wakes up in the middle of the night, rushing to his bathroom with a coughing fit – a single white petal staring back at him from the sink.

**Author's Note:**

> originally written in twitter thread @/sunoofobia


End file.
